I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I am spending my child support on dildos
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
