So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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