life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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