Are we in a gay sports bar?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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