can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
