yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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