I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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