Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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