Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize