he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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