I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
