I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
