my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
