Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
