Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I will pee on everything he values.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
