I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
