Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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