so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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