meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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