Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
