Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
