I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
