the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
