I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
