It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
