just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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