Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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