Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
