he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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