Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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