His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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