Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
