My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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