Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
