Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
