my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
