I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
