kristin has been a bad kristin
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
