I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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