So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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