420 ftw
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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