The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I skipped work to stalk him.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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