I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
