Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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