Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
