So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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