Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
