now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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