insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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