His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
