I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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