I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
