Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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