Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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