a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
