i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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