The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
