my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
