I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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