dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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