Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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