shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
